Warning: self-pitying rant.

I was doing so well. Holding my shit together, doing my job well. I was doing well -- until this week. I've grown to lax in keeping my nose down and my mouth shut.

An upset borrower (I did, I will say frankly, nothing wrong in their case) called and yelled at me. Well, she called and yelled for twenty minutes with her husband yelling out in the background. When Mrs. Borrower was calmed down and assured that I was straight with them, her husband got on the phone and proceeded to yell at me for twenty-five minutes. I kept myself calm and collected; I soon realized that he didn't truly want answers or assistance. I let him rant and then did what I could.

I was proud of how I handled the phone call. Raised voices effect me deeply - especially from one who considers themselves in no way accountable for the situation. As I went about finding out what I needed to know on their file, I asked others to keep a watch out for the nasty, hateful file and that I wished to give them their money so that they would go away forever. It degenerated from there.

Shortly after I called and left a message that we were disbursing the balance of their funds, I am told by my attorney that they didn't just want the balance of their loan, they wanted an increase which hadn't been granted. So, they had a new reason to call and yell and had done so at her becuase I'd not been at my desk to take the call. I turned off my phone ringer and told my attorney that I would not speak to them again! Hateful, nasty people.

Later, I ranted and raved and said hateful things in conversation with a superior about the case. I quickly thereafter apologzied for my conduct. It shames me that I should behave in any way for which I should apologize. But I did. After this incident, I did return the borrower's call. I do not wish to be a hateful, uncaring person. Still, I am glad to not have to sleep in their bed for I can only imagine how difficult life must be for people such as they are.

Regardless of the impetus, I should have kept my mouth shut. There was no call for me to share any of my emotions with my colleagues - especially not with my supervisor. If he were any stronger a manager, I would have been called to the carpet for a reprimand. As it was, he accepted my apology and said something to the effect that I shouldn't say things like that.

Yelling is violence and rattles my composure. I should not have let these two people effect me so. I hate that I am still effected. So much so that I am compelled to write and share my shame with you all.

I think I should start playing the lottery. That way, when I win big, I can buy a house set far off the road and live as a recluse. It's difficult to say too much when there are only cats to hear you.